I received this little message in an email today and rather than send it to five friends I thought I’d post it here.  I hope you enjoy it and it makes you smile.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

What does love mean?
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined
Here’s what they had to say…out of the mouths of babes:
‘When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn’t bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time ,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’
Rebecca- age 8

‘When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’
Billy – age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.’
Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.’
Chrissy – age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’
Terri – age 4 (I love this one)

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.’
Danny – age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’
Emily – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.’
Bobby – age 7 (Wow! Amazing insight)

‘If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate ‘
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.’
Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’
Tommy – age 6

‘During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’
Cindy – age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’
Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’
Elaine-age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .’
Chris – age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’
Lauren – age 4

‘When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’
Karen – age 7(what an image)

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross..’
Mark – age 6 (This one made me laugh)

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.’
Jessica – age 8

And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman’s
yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,
‘Nothing , I just helped him cry’

If we take the time to listen to the very young and the very old, we will be bathed in the gentle truths that we forget as we work at being adults in a crazy world.  These souls who’s wisdom comes from the clarity of innocence and wonder, as well the knowing that comes from a lifetime of experience ultimately remind us that…

All is love and All is well.

Till next time. Be kind to yourself

Many of us live far away from our parents and only get to see them once a year. In our phone conversations everything seems just find. We are being told essentially what our parents want us to hear. It’s really hard to tell if mom or dad are really as okay as they say they are. For many a holiday visit is an eye-opening experience. If you have concerns about how well your parents are managing their daily activities then this list of what to look for will help you out. I will caution you not to make a big deal if you find that they need assistance. If you go rushing in to save them, they will resist you. But take advantage of your time together to access their needs.

Here are some things to look for:

* Is there a change in their weight? Do they have little or no appetite? Is there food in the house or are they missing meals?

* Have they made any unusual purchases such as buying more than one magazine subscription of the same magazine, entered an unusual amount of contests, increased usage of purchasing from television advertisements?

Keep in mind we all have good days and bad days and as we age some things are just not as important as they used to be. But if you see that your parents are exhibiting more than 2-3 of the items listed above, it would be a good indicator that they are in need of assistance.

This would be a good time to do some research about what is available in your area. Talk to family, friends, and neighbors to see what everyone could do to help out. Share with your parents your concerns about their well-being and tell them how disturbed your peace of mind will be if they don’t consider getting some help. Offer it up on a trial basis. Remind them that they are the “BOSS” and still in control. That you are not trying to tell them what to do but only asking them to allow someone to do for them what you yourself can not do because you live to far away. Help them to see that they are doing this for you as much as themselves.

And of course be respectful. Pick a time to talk about this that is unrushed. Give them time to consider. Do not point fingers at their diminished capabilities. Instead remind them how they cared for you when you needed it and that they deserve to be safe. And you deserve not to have to constantly worry about them. Above all remember you can not force someone to do something. If you can’t get them to accept some help now, just try again later. In the end you must accept their decisions as long as they are capable of making them, even though you don’t agree. Know you have done all you can…

Hope you find this helpful and may your holiday season be blessed with love, laughter, and beautiful memories.

It’s been awhile since my last post and I apologize. I have been busy with LIFE. This year has been interesting to say the least. Worldwide a shift in governments, economies collapsing, businesses closing, health issues for many, people passing and babies being born. But one thing is for sure.

Our population is aging. In fact every 7 seconds someone in America is turning 50. By the year 2015, three short years, 45% of the population will be over 50. That’s almost half. Now, now, don’t let all this depress you. It’s not all bad news!

As a culture we are making new decisions, re-evaluating what is important, setting new goals, and connecting to each other like never before. Young people are able to afford housing! People of all ages are going back to school. Families are moving closer together and helping each other out. Our purchases are smarter. No longer do we buy the newest model to replace a model that is still functional, just because we can.

Life is changing and so are we. We have a choice about how we think. And how we think will determine what we do. By now you may be asking yourself: what does this have to do with aging? Well, since so many of us are entering the latter years of our lives, perhaps it is time to change the way we think about aging too.

Personally, I have always thought of aging as a natural process and one to feel blessed to achieve. I grew up with my yiayia (granmother in Greek) and watched as she gracefully aged to her 95 years. Even though she certainly slowed down, she never lost her position in the family as the matriarch. She was always the one passing out wisdom, telling fascinating stories, taking the time to hold and rock the babies, and teaching me how to live in the present moment.

Of course we tried to protect her from things we felt she was too old to understand. But she constantly surprised me by letting me know that when it came to human nature there was really nothing new. We might have more gadgets, more toys, more ways to entertain ourselves, and certainly more stress. But when it comes to our basic needs, our fears, and our dreams for ourselves and our kids …we are all the same.

I guess that is why I embrace all stages and ages of life. I recognize the beauty and delight in all of them. From the innocence of a newborn as it discovers a new world, to the wisdom of the senior as he/she discovers meaning out of a lifetime of experiences.

I hope that something here has touched your heart and made you question what you think about aging. I challenge everyone to consider aging a privilege instead of a curse. I invite you to spend some time with your senior talking about this and maybe even asking them if they ever talked to their parents about it. Or at least what their perception of their parents’ aging process was like. It might be enlightening.

And so, my friends, as so many of us enter the last half of our lives, let us enjoy! Let us celebrate! Let us inspire the younger generation! Let us continue to grow and learn! And let us do all this with open minds and hearts.

As always, Be kind to yourselves

With the recent news about Mickey Rooney and elder abuse I feel compelled to write an article about this subject.  Like all people who are in some way vulnerable, such as young children, the disabled, and to some degree women, seniors too have suffered from abuse.  This abuse can take on many forms.  Typically the ones you’ll hear about are related to financial abuse as it is easy to prove fraud.  But there is much more going on that we don’t hear about in the news.  This abuse is related to the care of a senior and the abuse of the seniors’ power.  It’s the story of the senior who depends on someone for their daily needs who is doing them more harm than good.  When the senior has some kind of dementia it is sometimes easier to step in and protect them because no accusation is required from them.  When there is no dementia however, it is harder to help that senior.

In the 9 years I provided care to seniors through my in-home care agency, many times I saw evidence of abuse which I was mandated to report.  The unfortunate thing is that as long as a senior understands the consequences of their actions, they have the right to make poor decisions.  So for example, if we saw that a senior was being taken advantage of or treated badly by another person and we sent out Adult Protective Services to investigate, more often than not, the senior would not accuse their abuser because to do so would mean that they would lose what little support they had from that person.  Their fear of being alone was greater than whatever mistreatment, abuse, or financial losses they would incur.

Are we going to see a rise in elder abuse?  I think the answer to that unfortunately is yes.  The sheer numbers of seniors coming of age is increasing everyday as we live longer and boomers start aging.  More seniors means the chance for elder abuse will also increase.  So what can we do?

Part of the answer is awareness.  The more people understand the reality of elder abuse and can recognize the symptoms, the more likely we can stop it.   Below are some of the symptoms provided by Adult Protective Services:

1. Discrepancies between a person’s standard of living and his/her financial assets, or a depletion of assets without adequate explanation.  Money or personal items such as eyeglasses, jewelry, hearing aids, or dentures are missing without explanation.

2.  Malnourishment and inadequate physical care, including dehydration or lack of food, poor hygiene,  urine sores, or bed sores, or over-sedation.

3. Physical injuries, such as bruises, burn marks, welts, rope burns, tufts of hair missing, broken bones, none of which can be adequately explained.

4. Withdrawn, apathetic, fearful, or anxious behavior, particularly around certain persons.  The victim may suddenly and without explanation express a desire not to visit or receive visits from family or friends.

5. Medical needs are not attended to.

6. Sudden, unexplained changes in the victim’s living arrangements, such as a younger person moving in to “care for” them shortly after meeting.

For more information and further details visit this website. http://www.coaottawa.ca/elderabuse/english/sign_symptoms.html It is a great resource.

The other thing we can do for our loved ones is to help them create a plan for their aging years that would include safeguards.  Having someone your senior can trust to watch out for anyone who might hurt them is key to their safety.  When seniors are alone too much they become vulnerable to people who recognize their weakness…that of needing someone to relate to.  So regular visits and interactions with others helps keep them alert to the dis-empowering actions of someone intent on taking advantage of them.  If a senior has a lot of money it is also wise to have a financial advisor  or a trust officer who can monitor their funds.  This could protect them from financial abuse.

The bottom line is that we all need to have someone we know is looking out for our interests as we age. Perhaps through our diligence, our planning, and most of all our love…we can turn the tide on elder abuse.  Our seniors need us.  Let’s be there for them.

The elephant in the room is asking for attention.  It no longer will stand by and act invisible.  It begs to be listened to, acknowledged, and cared for.  What is this elephant?

It is the knowledge that we are getting older and in a world that currently sees aging as a disability, it is in our best interest to address our future desires today.  The one thing that can change the advent of losing control of our lives as we age is talking about it now and creating a plan.

Before we can do that there are 10 parameters that will help us negotiate the conversation we all dread, especially when our parents seem to be making their way into senior-hood.  Here are the 10 parameters:

P – Partnership – Begin with partnership in mind. You’ve heard the phrase “parenting your parents.” This is not a helpful or constructive design for your future relationship. Role reversal as people age is a common problem and the biggest hindrance to accepting assistance.  You will always be the child and they the parents. If you become the “parent” taking control, then their only option is to become the “child” and rebel. When you and your parent become equals, friends who help each other and listen to each other’s input there is less resistance.  Make sure you reassure them that you want to be their friend or partner while creating their plan for the aging years and that you’ll remain their partner when implementing that plan in the future. Establishing a relationship of partnership leads to collaboration of the desires and needs, promotes cooperation, and maintains equality for both of you.   If you have siblings it is also important that you all are in agreement and participate in future discussions of planning.  Partnership includes everyone and assures that everyone is being heard.

A – Approach – Approach this conversation with an open mind and heart.  You are all entering a new phase together. Many times adult children assume that their parents will resist having this conversation when in fact most parents want to share their thoughts but think their kids don’t want to hear it. Let go of preconceived notions, assumptions and judgments.  Heal old barriers and recognize that your parent did the best they could and no longer have the power they had when you were a child.  Forgiveness is important in order to create a new relationship.  Enter this conversation with care and respect. Finally, do not go into the conversation with an agenda – start with curiosity and a willingness to understand.  Remember it is their life and must be their choices

R – Reframe –Reframe from the start that you understand the need for independence but that independence doesn’t mean never needing help. Independence is synonymous with control and that is what we all want especially as we age and lose some capacity. People assist others and accept assistance all their lives and that will not change as they age. Help them see that talking now and creating that plan about what they want as they age will help them maintain that control even if they need assistance to implement the plan. Remember this is not a conversation about death, but rather about life – so don’t be shy about it.  This conversation will be the beginning of a new type of relationship with your parent and will ensure that both of you continue to have control and peace of mind as your parents age

A – Ask- In this conversation your job is to ask questions not give answers.  This time is about finding out what your parents want as they age.  Let them control the cadence, speed, and solutions of this conversation. Do NOT give your ideas, suggestions or input unless asked.  When you have this conversation your role is primarily one of coach, asking the questions that will elicit the plan from your parents.  If you jump in with what you think, you will meet up with resistance.  No one likes to be told what they should do, especially seniors.  It’s their plan.  You may not like it but it is their right to live out their lives as they wish.  Keep your questions to “what, where, who, how and when.”  Stay away from the “why” type questions as they elicit answers that are connected to deep beliefs that may feel like obstacles and are hard to explain. Example: Mom says don’t sell my house until after I’m gone.  You ask why? And she gets emotional and defensive.  But if you ask what is the reason for not selling your home till then, you will get a clearer message, i.e. I think the rents will be a good income for me if I need the money for my care.  Also use softeners in the opening of your questions such as: I’m wondering; Have you considered; or I’m curious about…

M – Motivation – Know your motivation and intention for this conversation. What is your desired outcome? Do you want your parents to agree to something you want them to do or are you really asking them to express their own desires? Knowing your intention and desired outcome before you start the conversation will make it easier for you to identify when it has been met.  What is your motivation? Are you angry, frustrated or scared? If so this is not a good time to have this conversation because your own inner need to take control and provide safety for yourself, will come through loud and clear. You’ll know that is what is happening when you get resistance from the start of the conversation.   If you are motivated by your desire for safety, wellbeing and quality of life for both you, and your parent, your outcome will be rewarding. The motivation for that outcome must come from a peaceful and loving place in you.

E- Experience – Use your experience or that of a friend to begin the conversation.  Example:“My friend’s father broke a hip and is in the hospital.  My friend has to make decisions for him and is unsure what to do.  I’m not sure I know what you would want me to do if that happened to you.  Could we talk about it?”

Or

“I’ve heard so much about how seniors lose control as they age because others’ have to make decisions for them.  I want to make sure that you never feel that way so I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk to me about what you want, so that I’m clear about how to help you if you need it.”

T- Timing – Be sure your timing is right for both of you.  This is a conversation that shouldn’t be rushed.  So make time for it.  Make sure it takes place somewhere free of distractions and other people.  Make sure that you are both relaxed and able to give your full attention to each other.  Match their speed and tempo.   Don’t rush their answers, be patient.

E- Educate – Educate yourself before the conversation of the options available in senior care.  It’s important to know and understand what needs to be discussed, i.e. living arrangements, outside help, power of attorney, when to stop driving, etc. The more you know the better you will be able to ask the right questions and help your parent make the best decisions.  You may also need to educate yourself of your parent’s current status through the observations of others like friends, neighbors, or doctors, who have more daily contact with them.  The input of others will help you know what needs to be discussed in the way of concerns.

R – Resistance – Be aware that you might get some resistance from parents.  They may be reluctant to have this conversation or unsure of what they want in the future.  Resistance is present when we are afraid.  You can help break down that barrier by asking what they are concerned about, what frightens them about having this conversation, and what might help ease their fear.  You can also share your reason for wanting to assist them with this process: To help them live the life they want, even if in the future they can’t do certain things for themselves. Helping them to see that with the knowledge of what they want established, you will have peace of mind.

S – Suspend – Be watchful for the signs of overwhelm.  Sometimes this discussion brings on feelings of loss or painful memories for a parent.  Be sensitive to their level of comfort and their stamina.  Be willing to suspend the conversation for now and continue at another time. You don’t have to talk it all out in one session. This conversation will be ongoing; decisions made today may change tomorrow as your parents have time to reflect on the plan they are working on.  Being flexible and willing to take it slow is an important piece to establishing the plan.  It should be well thought out to be effective later.

Having this conversation before a crisis is the key to your peace of mind and your parent’s sense of control.  Using the PARAMETERS will assist you to begin a difficult conversation that will have rewarding results in your relationships.

The holidays are upon us. A time of good food, laughter, and gifts.  A time when families come from near and far to celebrate their love.  But if you haven’t seen your parents in awhile, you may be in for a surprise.  You may find them slowing down, forgetting more, not taking care of themselves as well as they used to.  Your initial response is to try to take over, figure out what’s wrong, get them help, etc.  Some of you may have parents who may be amiable to this but most won’t.

You’ll wander when did they get so old? You’ll ask them why they didn’t tell you things were so bad? You’ll feel guilty that you didn’t know they needed you. You’ll get angry and frustrated that they won’t open up to your suggestions.  Perhaps knowing this ahead of time will help you do the one thing that is most important in that visit.

BREATH

Take a step back from your concern.  Listen carefully to what your parents are telling you.  Put yourself in their shoes for a minute and ask yourself what you would want from your kids in this situation.

Understanding? Acceptance of the inevitable aging process? Freedom to choose what you want even if others don’t think it’s best? The right to live where you want, wearing what you want, eating when you want, in an environment that is comfortable for you?

The last thing our parents need is us showing up on their doorstep and disrupting their routine.  Criticizing, out of concern, the way they live.  Demanding that they accept help to ease our burden of worry.  Punishing them for getting older and not being able to do things they way they used to.

I know its out of love.  I know its because you want the best for them.  I know it feels like they need you to make things better for them.  And perhaps they do need a little of that.  But your approach is key to how well they will be able to hear your concerns and make changes for themselves.

SO BREATH

Watch and listen and calibrate.

So the house isn’t as clean as it might be. Are they uncomfortable or unsafe? If so ask if there might be some things that can be moved around to make mobility easier.  If they say no…let it go.

Perhaps their appearance is not as it used to be. Are they unable to care for their hygiene or clothes? If so, ask if it would be easier to have someone around when they need help for a few hours.  If they say no…let it go.

Maybe they don’t seem to be eating well, have misplaced things, forgotten a bill or two.  Always, you ask if there is some way they will allow you to help them.  Always if they say no…let it go.

Sounds cold I know.  But in the end that really is all you can do.  Anything more than that will make them resistant, angry and will promote them keeping things from you.  If you are able to say, okay for now, and keep the door open so that if they change their minds later, you will be able to help them and they will accept it. Your job is to simply be available.  Let them know you are there to help.  Accept their decisions no matter what they are until and if only they truly can not decide for themselves.  It’s really no different than what we do for our adult kids. We share our concerns in a loving way, offer our assistance, and then we…let it go, knowing we all have our own path to walk no matter our age.

Love well during this holiday season and celebrate each other with respect and kindness. The greatest gift you can give to your parents is the freedom to maintain their own power and then work together for the good of all.

Wishing you and your the merriest of holidays. Love Ali

I had a client who was a rancher in the good ‘ol days.  Harold built his house on 40 acres and lived there till he died.  He had Alzheimer and his daughter had hired my company to provide him with 24 hour care.  Although Harold could not remember many things in present time, he still remembered his land.  Ranching was in his blood.  He wanted more than anything to ride his tractor and said so everyday.  We wanted to protect him from harm and tried to distract him by hiding the keys.

One day he found the key, sneaked out to the barn, started the tractor, and rode it around the property.  The caregiver called in a panic and we called the daughter.  We tried to convince him to get off, but he just smiled and laughed through the whole adventure.  He ended up in a ditch, unharmed, and so full of his youth. In that moment he looked and I believe felt 15 years younger.  His daughter was loving and wise.  She said, “If he kills himself or gets hurt, at least I know he was happy.”

Life without adventure, freedom, and the power to create our experiences is a dull life.  And you know it.  It’s like being in prison.  And who wants that!

Our fear should not be the rule, for determining what our seniors can do.  There is a point that we all need to recognize, we will all die some day.  My grandfather died in a laundromat some 50 years ago.  But he died doing something he loved!  Don’t know why he loved it, but that doesn’t matter.  My young friends’ dad died riding his bike. None of us know how or when we will leave this earth, and we can’t live with such fear of that end, that we don’t live at all.

Someone told me recently that he was frustrated with his dad who insisted on climbing ladders two stories to clean out his gutters.  His dad was a contractor all his adult life.  He loved tinkering around his home and a ladder was something he’d climbed a million times.  But now when he got to the top he’d forget why he was up there.  The son would yell at his dad to come down and explain that he was too old to be doing that kind of activity.  Of course the son was fearful that dad might fall and hurt himself or even worse, die.  He looked to me as the expert, to confirm that his concern and actions were ‘in the right.’ I disappointed him.  My concern was whether or not the son knew what the dad would want to have happen if he were to injure himself.  In other words, did dad communicate to the son what he wanted if something should happen to him? Did he have a plan for his aging process? Where did he want to live, who would care for him, etc.

No one wants to be caged.  We all want to do the things that make us happy, bring us joy, spice up our lives, and keep us engaged.  Is our job as adult children to inhibit our parents movements, decisions, activities, etc., as they age? If so then we become jailers.  And at some point the inmates will revolt.

My mom at 76 is on Match.com.  She’s not looking for a lover necessarily.  She’s looking for companionship, someone to go to the movies with, someone to add interest to her life.  When we talk, she shares her encounters and new conversations.  She’s lit up like a school girl.  There is adventure, excitement, newness in her life.  Is there danger? Of course.  She might meet up with a crazy guy.  But the joy I hear in her voice as she adds new experiences into her life is something I won’t take away from her.

So many times I’ve seen the life sucked out of seniors as concerned children, through their desire to protect, inhibit, restrict, and control their parents’ activities.  These seniors lose even more than their youth, they lose their zest for life.  Yes there may be limits, but most of them know what that is. And they have the right to play, extend, yes, even take risks, in order to continue to be excited by life.  Otherwise, depression sets in. They feel useless. Life becomes one big dull moment of drudgery.  It’s not so much that they can’t move the way they used to, can’t see as well, can’t hear as well, etc. as it is the perception of others that they must do nothing but live a quiet, safe life until they die.

I know that’s not the way I plan to do it.  Just because I’m 80 and have maybe 10 more years to live, doesn’t mean I want to preserve myself by playing it safe so that I can live to be 95.  No way.  If I were told I had 2 years to live, I’d live them full out.  I’d push the limits of my capacities.  I’d savor every experience.  I’d share all my thoughts, my love, my feelings.  I’d dare myself to be as much as I can be for as long as I can.  I think it would be fun.  I wouldn’t curtail my adventure one bit just to save myself one more day.  Would you?

Years ago, in many cultures, the elders were considered to be those carrying the wisdom of the tribe, the village and the community.  They were sought out as sages, carried and passed on the stories of their people, and revered for their years of experience.  As their capacity to serve physically diminished, they were still at the center of the tribe. Today this is not so.

We look at our seniors with compassion and fear.  We feel sorry for their diminished capacity and are afraid of getting there ourselves.  We try to protect them from injury and sickness, our expectations of their ability and involvement are low, we curtail what they do, and we squeeze in time for them between our many appointments.

We listen halfheartedly to their advise thinking they just don’t get today’s world.  We share with them the mundane and inconsequential rather than what is really in our hearts, in order to spare them the worry.  Oh, I know we love them.  That is not in question.  But we do them and ourselves a great injustice when through our need to protect and care for them, we diminish their influence and disregard their desires.

Remember that caring for an aging loved one is as new to us experientially as parenting was when we had our first child.  Most people will agree they had no idea what they were doing when they became parents.  The journey was one of  adventure, joy, doubt and uncertainty, yet we were fully engaged, spent time with our kids, and marveled at the words they uttered even when they made no sense. We offered protection and guidance but it came from a place of knowing that they were growing into their own capacities.  We listened to their imaginary stories because we knew their knowledge would grow as they did.  We did for them whatever was needed knowing they would soon be on their own and need us less and less.  Our experience during that time of need was full of hope and potential of who these little people would become, even when they fought us trying to find their independence.  The giving, in that time, was like putting money in the bank and watching your savings grow.  There was a payoff.

As we care for an aging parent, find ourselves listening to repetitive stories, see ourselves doing more and more as their capacities decrease, dealing with resistance from them when offer advise,  and trying so keep them safe from harm, we feel very little joy.  Our own feelings of loss affect the relationship, our fears and doubts restrict our capacity to allow them the freedoms they’ve earned through a lifetime.  We see them diminish and we know it will get worse not better.  We are again experiencing another adventure that neither we nor our parents have been through before.  We are afraid, uncertain, and sad.  Our assistance and care will not get them better or help them grow up. We are now withdrawing the money in the bank and we know there soon will be nothing left.

It is that sadness, deep inside, that loss, that we must become aware of.  As our parents age we all feel the coming on of grief.  All of us know our time together is measured. The feeling is real and we must honor it.  But it is not a reason to take control, avoid, or become less connected to them.  No matter what their condition, they still have something to offer us if we will give them the time to do so.  Their story, their legacy, the meaning of their lives, is important to share and they can only do it if you give them the time and freedom to decide their own fate.  You can offer assistance, protection, advise, just as you did with your children.  But just as you also knew you had to let your kids learn some things on their own, that you couldn’t always protect and oversee, and that in letting go they would discover who they are, you must give your parents the same opportunity to realize who they were.

This period of life, this senior-hood, is about reflection and legacy.  A time to look back and discover what our lives were about, to share with those we love the true meaning of who we are.  To impart the wisdom that comes from a lifetime of experience, knowledge and knowing. Yes, it might take a little while to get the stories out, to listen for the “saging” that our parents offer as they move slower through time.  Yes, it might make them sad to hear you share your personal issues and worries but it will also be a blessing to both of you as your relationship continues to deepen.  There is a tenderness that comes when time slows down, when we know that the party will be ending soon.  In the quiet moments as the music dies down, we can touch each others’ soul and know each other and our love for each other, in its purest form.

Aging is inevitable just as is growing up.  Neither adventure is better than the other.  Both offer opportunity to journey into the unknown and find out what we are made of. Today, more than ever, we need to look back in history and remember the sages of old.  We need to revere our seniors and accept their limitations and not be one of them.  If you choose to, you can experience this time of sweet surrender, as the blessing it is. The greatest gift we can give to our loved ones as they age is the freedom to continue to make their own choices, listen to their stories, realize the offering of their wisdom, and approach this time with tenderness as together you travel to new understanding and a new way of being with each other.

As our world continues to change, we need the wisdom of those who came before us. Today, we all are questioning our values, feeling defeat at the things we can not control, busy doing so much that we take little time to reflect before we react.  Our seniors have seen it all, been there done that, and have words of healing and wisdom to offer us if we’d just listen.  We all need to slow down enough to seek that wisdom, cherish it as it once was, and learn from it. It is time for our elders to once again be the center of our tribe, our village, our community.

One of the hardest things about providing assistance to any loved one but most especially our seniors, is their resistance to our help.  It usually starts out with you noticing that mom or dad aren’t keeping up the house as they used to, or they’re not eating as well, or they’ve forgotten to take their medications.  You get the picture.  At that point you offer to help them out but they’re response is that they are ‘just fine.’  A part of you still wants to believe that and you let it go for now.  Does this sound somewhat familiar?

The key to overcoming resistance lies in the understanding that resistance is the outward manifestation of an internal and sometimes unrealized fear.  With seniors that fear may be about losing control, becoming a burden, or just their own fear of aging.  If you think about it you will see that you too manifest resistance when you are afraid.

We all experience resistance in our lives.  We resist uncomfortable situations, conversations, and actions.  Deep down we don’t feel safe about the outcome, the changes that may come as a result, or even our ability to do what we must.  When we are younger we are able to push through those fears and ‘just do it.’  But not so for our seniors.

If you can stop yourself from reacting to the ‘resistance’ itself and instead address the need for internal safety, the result will be cooperation.  When we feel internally safe the outcome is this: we feel life is in control, we trust our instincts and other people’s intention, we feel empowered, we are able to access our resources and know we have choices, and finally we are able to respond appropriately.  Recognize that when you see your parents showing signs of aging, you too are in ‘resistance’ because you too are now feeling fear.  Find a way first to ‘take the stick out of your own eye’ so that you are fully available to help them take it out of theirs.  Remember where there is fear, love can not truly enter and the result will be resistance every time.

Once your have found your safety the next step then is to help them identify their fear and ask them what would make them feel safe while still allowing you to provide assistance.  It is not always an easy conversation but an important one.  Establishing a partnership type of relationship where all of you are collaborating for an outcome that will work for all, is part of the solution.  The second is to ensure that your intention is not to control and allow the answers to come from them.  The third is to validate their fears and remind them of the resources they have internally as well as externally that will allow them to continue to maintain their control. They’ll then feel they can trust themselves and you to make good decisions, recognize they do have choices and be able to take responsibility for their lives even as they accept assistance from you.

With this new understanding about ‘resistance’ and the tools to work through it to safety, you may very well find a cooperative way to assist your parents while enhancing your relationship.  The journey through their aging process will be filled with the sharing of wisdom, precious moments you will cherish always, and a deep connection.  What more can we ask for!

When my children were little and I told them it was time to go to bed, I always got the usual arguments.  “I’m not tired.” “I don’t want to go to bed yet.” “It’s not fair that Matt gets to stay up later.” On and on and on.  If you are a parent you know the drill.  At some point one of my children would say, “I wish I were a grown up!”  And I would roll my eyes and say “oh yeah, well let me tell you!  There are only two things that I get to do as a grown up that you don’t get to do as a kid.  And those are; I get to decide when I will go to bed and what I am going to eat.”  All the other privileges of adulthood are laced with responsibilities. Think about it.  It’s true.

I get to drive!  True I’m now everyone’s chauffeur.  I get to buy things.  True but I work 40 hours a week to earn the money to buy mostly things we need to survive.  I get to go skiing, or boating, or …  True but I have to cover all my responsibilities before I can do any playing.  So where am I going with this?

Over the years I have said…when I retire I will… sleep in, read books, watch old movies, journal, take walks, visit with family and friends, and so on.  Why? Because my life is so full of activities, work and obligations that my time doesn’t always feel like my own.  We are taught from the time we are young that productivity means success.  It equates to a life well-lived.  But man am I tired!

I listen to my mom telling me about her days and think ‘I can’t wait.’  I look forward to the time when I have nothing that demands my time and attention other than the things I simply want to do in the moment.  As seniors finally arrive at this stage, look around and begin to choose where they want to put their energy, adult children are pushing them to keep on going.  I’ve seen it a thousand times.  Mom or Dad simply want to sit in the garden, stay in bed till noon, have a two hour tea, yet adult children want them to go dancing, garden, get up and get going.  So my question is: When are we old enough to say no to the things we don’t want to do?

We can’t when we’re children because our parents won’t let us.  We can’t when we are in our 20′s to 60′s because we have kids and work to take care.  And now I hear that seniors in their 70′s and older can’t either because their kids won’t let them.  Are we really that afraid of quiet time?  Of contemplation and reflection? Of just ‘being’ instead of constantly ‘doing?’

I invite you to think about that the next time your parent says no to some activity.  Give them the right they so deserve.  To be the boss of their own time without regret or guilt.  They’ve earned it and when you get there, you will have earned it too.  Perhaps if we could all see the amazing freedom that comes with aging we wouldn’t dread getting older as much as we do.